Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Vampires, Werewolves, and Ninjas. O, My!

Everybody has his or her guilty pleasures, and my guiltiest are obviously movies I shouldn't have on my radar. TWILIGHT: NEW MOON and NINJA ASSASSIN cover the span of teen exploitation. For swooning adolescents (and that age range has no cap), we have a moody child of divorced parents who has fallen for an ashen, undernourished vampire with lipstick and who glitters as he walks. In this second episode, Edward leaves Bella to protect her, and you should leave logic behind at this point, because Bella immediately falls in with werewolves, an avenging female vampire, and deep depression. Like most movies about women in trouble, this one shows Bella wandering off into the Washington woods for days at a time, riding motorcycles, and jumping off cliffs into the Pacific. Why? Because adrenaline rushes raise wispy images of Edward saying, "No, don't do it." Bella is saved more than once by Native American Jacob, who seems immune to Washington weather. He is always shirtless. Meanwhile Edward believes that Bela is dead and plans to expose himself as a vampire to humanity, an act which will cause his death. Naturally, she hops a plane to Verona, Italy, to face the Voltori, a sort of high council of the undead. I told you about abandoning logic. Needless to say, Edward, Bella, and Jacob will be back in episode three next year.

And for the guys, we have NINJA ASSASSIN, which stars the Korean pop singer Rain (yes, Rain) as a Ninja raised in the world's worst boarding school. High above the clouds in the Himalayas, our future ninja endures bloody battles with other students and steels himself to be the top killer assassin. Cut to the present and Rain has betrayed the clan and discovered he has a heart. That means countless bloody battles with chains, feet, swords, and those cool metal star things that slice your jugular. The finale features an endless duel where Rain meets his old master. No one could live through what these guys do to each other. In fact, no human has that much blood in him. NINJA ASSASSIN makes no sense, but it will please the action lovers. In fact, NEW MOON could have used a little Ninja kick.

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